|I saw my old high school psych teacher today. Looks like he finally got married! I think he was in his late twenties when he taught me and not wed... now like... over 10 years later he is married! =) I had the thought of "gee, there is hope for everyone to get married, even if it is later in life." :)|
But then I was clouded by the reality of my relationship. My boyfriend feels like he wants forever with me and to marry me some day. But when we fight, it pushes him further from the concept of marriage.
He wants our relationship to be PERFECT. Fight free in order to consider marriage. Otherwise outta the question cuz he wants a healthy lasting relationship. If that is so, to be fight free, we will NEVER get married.
What couple never has a disagreement, differences, or fight?
I feel our fights escalate at times simply because he doesn't want to address our disagreements and thus finds the whole thing stupid therefore offending me and escalating what would have just been a discussion into a full blown fight. So with that attitude, how can we ever NOT fight if he won't even bother addressing issues maturely? How can a relationship become healthy if he continues to ignore issues expecting them to disappear if he don't talk about stuff and pretend all is sunny?
So I do not see us every marrying. Which is depressing.
I would love an eternity with him. But if he wants perfection, he will never marry anyone.
Or maybe, he just doesn't want to ever marry me... and doesn't realize it. =/
All too depressing thoughts.
|I am here to vent.|
I find myself in a strange position.
My boyfriend has proven over time to be so selfish, so self absorbed.
It's a trait in a partner I never had to face to this extent and a trait I cannot live with. I can't stand it. I can't stand being with someone like that. It is a serious turn off for me so much so that if it continues, I may be unable to continue this relationship.
Other factors like my value being tossed around... how if a year ago, had I asked him for what I did the other day, he's have said yes or thought about it at least or in a few weeks when we aren't fighting but right now, it was an immediate no.
How I haven't earned a spot in his 3 car garage! When a few months ago he took pride in the fact I took care of his home and thus told me his home was mine too. Yet I haven't earned the right to ask for a spot in the garage?! Holy shit. He went off to ask what else do I want? The house? The room? His new computer? O.o From innocently asking for a spot in the garage, an opportunity that allowed for a no if it was logical.
I feel he has no respect for me, for our relationship. For the value of our relationship, us as a couple.
I mean, I worthy enough to share his bed and meet his family... fly out to nowhere Minnesota and be trusted with his mother but he can't even entertain the idea of sharing his garage cuz what makes me think I earned it??? @_@ WTF kinda thinking is that?!
For a man who says he loves me more everyday, the fact he would have been nicer and more considerate, selfless a year ago (only 3 months dating then) than he is today, to the woman he claims to love more than the past day, baffles me.
I hate how I was more valueable, worth compromising with then as opposed to now. It makes me sick.
I feel unappreciated by him and I resent him for it.
It's like working a job and working your way to a promotion but instead being demoted. If you're demoted, you instantly want to find a new hob, go somewhere where you're appreciated. Not stay somewhere where your worth is wishy washy. So I feel like I have been demoted yet being praised just so I will stay and given false hopes for a future at the company.
I want to be appreciated in my relationship. It's super hard for me to allow him a chance when I feel he never sees his ways to begin with. So how can he correct his behavior if he can't even admit to his backward thinking?
I am sticking around but I don't know how long my heart or mind will tolerate a quality it despises.
I come from a giving background and am pretty selfless, so to speak, so it's hard for me to live with someone so self absorbed.
I guess, cross my fingers and hope the blind man is given the miracle of sight. =/ So to speak.
|I finished this semester off with 3 A's and 2 B's. The B's were an 89 and an 88!!! Isn't that some bullshit????! Ugh. Disappointing. This was the first semester in a long time in which I actually read the material and tried to do my work ahead of time. I think I did very well considering all that was on my plate. |
I just wish my parents were more proud. =/ Buuuuuuut can't help that can I.
I will be doing the same work load come this Spring and it will be my last. I am so happy about that. One step closer to success which is what I want in life. I want a lot of things to happen in my life next year that are positive. So I aim to make things happen. =)
I aim to become healthy.
I aim to graduate.
I aim to be happy.
I aim to finish my book!
I aim to make good decisions that will result in my feeling good.
I aim to figure out a career path since I will graduate.
I aim for many things that I CAN CONTROL.
Other things I'd like, I can't do anything about so time to be selfish and do good for me. =>
I read Skinny Bitch and it's given me a guideline of what I want to eat as soon as I get back from Minnesota. Basically foods that will cleanse my body and make me feel great by consumming some things and giving up others. Plus exercise. Lots of it. Freakin' take my dog on runs like I wanted to! So time management is necessary on my part.
I just want to feel good. Be confident! Have a clean temple! Feel refreshed everyday because I feel good so I am happy thus all aspects of my life have a fighting chance to be great too! Cuz I feel great, see?!
Plus I want my boyfriend to chase me around naked together literally and be able to sit topless in front of him. I want that so bad. As much as my career. I want him to be proud of my body cuz I am proud of it. You know??? I don't want to feel fat anymore. I wanna feel amazing!
My boyfriend brought to my attention that I always point out when he fucks up and I am breaking him down. I am doing so because I give him no slack if he fucks up. I always have to mention something.
Very true. I can't deny it. =/
When someone bothers me, I speak out. My boyfriend is no exception to my wrath apparently...
I really don't want to fuck this relationship up. He is a great man. He doesn't get common sense relationship stuff but aside from that, he is amazing!!!! It IS his lack of common sense in relationships that is the root to my annoyances with him that I get him down on but no less I am so guilty of forgetting all his other great qualities when I let myself get mad for little things.
I feel bad for my behavior that he made me realize yesterday. I am an asshole sometimes, insensitive in my own way. He even had to ask if there is someone else. =/ I know how hard it is to ask this and he felt he had to. I am not being the girlfriend I want to be.
When I realize what I have done I see the man he has shrivelled down to which is a very unhappy man.
He is so hard working. He is so smart. He is so giving and tries his best. Yet I never let up!
So that is something I am glad he brought up cuz that criticism is something I needed to hear.
So I am going to work on that. Starting yesterday! =)
I already started.
I hope this coming year will be great! Because this year has been full of trials, mistakes, and all kinds of experiences both enjoyable and awful. I'm hoping to increase the enjoyable. =)
No, I will have an enjoyable year.
|I signed up for my last 5 classes. After this, I will graduate! I am excited. Though I wish the advisor was more helpful. She was pretty short with her responses and unprofessional. Oh well.|
When I graduate I do not know what I will do. =/ I wish I had all the answers about that or had known the procedures of getting into a masters program. No one ever tells you though!!!
Aside from that, I am good.
I miss my parents, I hardly see them. But with 5 classes and 40 hr work weeks... add in all my homework which are hundreds of pages of reading.... my free time is scarce. I have literally not watched TV just for fun since I started this semester. I only watch TV shows with my boyfriend and it is only 2 shows!
So, I miss free time in which I can spend doing ANYthing. =) Miss it so much!! I miss doing my hobbies.
I spend my free time with my boyfriend though and that is nice. Though it is hard to keep up at times. We will be playing video games and my head starts to droop and then I try so hard to stay awake!!!
But that is okay. I like spending time with him.
The other day we were showering and we were making each other laugh like crazy. Then he said to me, "Shirley, am I the funniest person you know? Cuz you're the funniest person I know. No one makes me laugh as hard as you do." This made me ecstatic to hear!!!!!! The entire day was just full of smiles and laughter and that is what I want in my life.
He asks what I want for Christmas and my birthday and well... Maybe someday.
But material things? I dunno what I want really. =/ I always want things but meh.
Anyway, I love him. =)
Can't wait to spend forever with him. He is amazing.
I also cannot wait to play SWTOR!!! The new update is in and I want to get a white crystal for my guy. He wants one so bad. Hopefully I will get one tonight. =)
|One year ago on this date, I met my current boyfriend. =)|
We met at Starbucks where he got me a coffee and we talked for a long time outside at night. I couldn't decide if I would like him during that blind date but one year later.... I know I love this man.
I knew less than two months into our relationship that I loved him. That I was totally screwed. There was no going back. It would be him and I. Like that verse I read... when he kissed me, my soul went through my lips and into him. Where he would keep my heart from then on.
So we had some problems this past year. Nothing worth breaking up. Just little fights turned big. He hurt my feelings about a week ago and I am still hurt about it. But I'm trying to move on from it despite the fact I slip sometimes. Where my heart weeps a bit at the thought of what he said. But chin up Shirley! If you aren't dumping him, chin up.
As you can see, I am not dumping him. Mistakes and shit happens. In every relationship.
So aside from those little fights... nothing wrong with us.
We have everything a couple needs!
Love. Adoration. Commitment. Care. Laughter. Jokes! Passion. Lust. Understanding. ETC.
We do things together, have hobbies we share. We can live together just fine!
A million things I could say. We are just compatible in so many ways! More than not.
Waaaaay more than not. =)
He is my best friend. We play with light sabers together, not to mention Jack and Sali it up in SWOTR!
We watch our shows together. Have long talks still that we wonder where the time went! I still find it hard to just close my eyes and sleep. Cuz I want to talk to him forever, hear his voice... look at his well defined face that I love.
So I am happy. Happy that we had this year together. Full of laughter, passionate sex, family moments, firsts together, new experiences, and falling into the truest purest love.
I am excited for the years to come yet with him. <3